


Beginnings

by tearoseandhoney



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Monette
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 17:20:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearoseandhoney/pseuds/tearoseandhoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix doesn't know when his birthday is, Shannon wants to celebrate it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Puddingcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puddingcat/gifts).



> Takes place about four and a half years pre-series.

We were, for once, in Shannon’s rooms in the Teverii  apartments,  I was able to dress and retreat without indulging in the foolishness of storming out of my own room. I was careful not to slam the door on my way out; after all, I fought now like a civilized person, with politeness and cruelty. I knew as I walked the Mirador’s corridors -- had know as sat on the edge of Shannon’s bed in silence and queued my hair lest I meet Stephen on my way out -- that I was being unfair. It was dark in the room and so I had kept my back to him as I had dressed, for once not concerned about the scars on my back, unwilling to turn and see the hurt on his face. Shannon, for all that he had Stephen’s instilled paranoia and Gloria’s inherited cunning to urge him to caution, was far too easy to read. 

 

Even less did I wish to be seen by Malkar in yesterday’s clothes, lest he divine something of the tension between Shannon and I.

 

On that matter, at least, I need not have worried. Malkar had departed on an errand for Lady Victoria. I did not even begin to try and convince myself that the happiness I felt at the news was anything other than pitiful but no matter how pathetic it was, I did not want Malkar there to watch as my clumsiness broke whatever had existed between Shannon and myself.  I made it through formalities, avoiding Shannon’s eyes even when he hung back after Stephen’s exit, giving me a chance to make peace. I knew he would accept my apology, knew that I would not even have to go to the trouble of inventing a plausible excuse. It was once the Hall of the Chimeras  began to clear that I realised it wasn’t just a matter of getting through the morning.  I was too junior a member of the Curia to be entrusted with anything beyond my own research, which was inconveniently at a standstill at the present time. I needed Iosepinius’s advice, but age and it’s infirmities seemed to be catching up with him, and one of the minor Polydorii had offered him the use of her southern mansion in which to convalesce from a chest infection. Thaddeus, my only other ally at court, was also absent, no doubt chasing after phantoms of the Bastion. I had spent the past week in Shannon’s company. He had shown me his favourite parts of the city, and in return, I had tried to explain research that even I did not fully understand to an anemer who understood it even less. 

 

 

“Felix Harrowgate, all alone. I'm not sure I've ever seen that before.”

 

“Vida, leave him alone.” I could not place the man beside, her but I recognised the expression, if not the face. I knew how to do this.

 

“I did not know you watched me so closely, my Lady,” I said, dropping my voice as I looked towards Vida’s companion. He blushed; too easy, really, but it was gratifying nonetheless. 

 

Vida laughed -- a genuine laugh, something I hadn’t head in a long time. Maybe it was the laugh that reminded me of Joline, certainly there was little else that the woman in front of me shared with my childhood companion.

 

“Felix, you know how this place works. There has been frenzied speculation ever since you stopped frequenting the Fia Barbaossa about where you’d end up. Everyone is desperate to know what your plans are.”

 

“I have none.” It was the truth, but as an answer it sounded weak.  It also clearly sounded too honest.

 

Vida looked at me, something both shrewd and compassionate in her eyes. I suspect that, had my life tuned out differently, I would have called that look motherly. “Then you’d better find some, Felix. Come with us to the Berry Room. Fleur’s new pet poet is doing a reading, so it’s bound to be tedious and annoying, but it sounds like you don’t have any better offers.” 

 

And I didn’t, so I followed Vida as she left the Hall.

 

***

 

The poet was every bit as bad as Vida had suggested but the afternoon was oddly enjoyable. It wasn’t simple or free from politics and plotting, no gathering of wizards could ever be so, but there were not the knives and scourges of those terrible mornings spent in the Crimson Room with Malkar and his disciples before Court. It was early evening by the time the gathering began to break up. I knew that, given the chance, Vida would invite me to join her for the evening. I could not, despite her kindness, let her know just how friendless I was so I made my excuses and left.

 

I wandered aimlessly through the corridors of the Mirador, unthinking and without purpose. It was only when I turned a corner and saw a familiar stretch of floor inlaid with patterned, broken tiles that I realised the direction I had been walking in. I slowed as I traveled through the Warren, towards Mortisgate. I did not stop. I could not bear to see the guards look at each other, sharing a silent joke about the Lord Wizard afraid to enter the Arcane. I was afraid, yes, but not for any reason they could guess. I made myself continue, past the gate and the guards and back towards the Mirador proper and my own chambers. 

 

Shannon was waiting for me.

 

He was beautiful in all lights, but the candlelight made him seem inhumanly so, bright and golden like one of the gilded paintings of those long dead heroes scattered around the Mirador.

 

“Finished sulking yet, Felix?”

 

I had no answer, so I stayed silent as he rose from my bed and walked over to the door, where I had frozen. I stayed silent as he reached up to unbind my hair, dragging me into a kiss in the same motion. He returned to the bed, drawing me along with him. It was no longer new with Shannon, still exciting but the way our bodies fitted together, the feeling of him on top of me was beginning to be familiar. I tried to focus on that and relax. It was good, it was always good with Shannon, but I knew that my reactions were off, that I was thinking rather than feeling. I hoped that I was convincing Shannon, but it was a vain hope. He rolled away from me. 

 

“If you’re still angry, Felix, just say. There’s no need to lie there like a corpse while I make a fool of myself.” His eyes glistened with the hard, cold light of gemstones and the candlelight caught his collarbone, exposed by the unlace neck of his shirt. I wanted to tell him that he was beautiful. I wanted to tell him that he was the first man in almost as long as I could remember that I had wanted for myself, for pleasure, because I desired him and for no other reason. But of course I could not, not least because it would have been untrue. I did want him, I did desire him but I did not deceive myself. The wizard’s tattoos could not disguise the whore underneath. For all that I wanted him, if he had not been Stephen’s brother, if I had not believed that his position would offer some protection from Malkar, I would never have started this -- folly -- with him. 

 

It was pointless to feel grief, now that that it was ending. I bit my lip, and looked down at my hands and as I waited for Shannon to leave. I tasted copper in my mouth from my efforts to stop myself saying something, anything, that would make him stay.

 

“I am willing to forgive our argument this morning,” Shannon said. “Is it really so terribly difficult for you to do the same?  I only wished to know when your birthday was.”

 

“I just – It has been so long since anyone cared.” I wished the words back as soon I spoke. I could not bring myself to look at Shannon, sitting beside me on the bed. I did not want to see the compassion in his eyes for a lie, for my fictional Caloxan mother. I did not want to imagine how that compassion would change to disgust if he knew the sordid truth, about Methony and Pharaohlight.

 

We sat for a while, Shannon stroking my hair but saying nothing. I knew, before he spoke, that he was going to ask again. This time I was prepared.

 

“Felix, when is your birthday?”

 

“A week and two days away.” It was a lie, of course, but it satisfied Shannon, and this time when we kissed, I could kiss back. It was only afterwards, Shannon sleeping next to me, that I began to think that I had made a mistake, that I should have allowed things to remain broken. If Shannon’s simple question that morning, prompted by the realisation  I had not yet celebrated a birthday in the time we had known each other, had thrown me so badly what would I do if ever I had to face more trying questions about myself?

 

****

 

We woke early enough to next morning that the questionable privilege of breakfasting with Lord Stephen and Lady Victoria was ours. It was a tradition that had been started by Lady Dulcinea and, despite the fact that the semi-regular early morning gatherings of the remaining Teverii were torture for all concerned, Stephen insisted on continuing with them. I ignored Stephen’s scowl, almost bit through my lip to keep from betraying myself when Victoria began to praise Malkar, and tried not to give either of Shannon’s siblings any more reason to dislike me.  I excused myself before Court to find Vida in one of the antechambers. Shannon came over to us in the Hall of Chimeras once formalities had finished, dragging Stephen with him. He looked even less pleased with me than he had before; I reviewed my behaviour during Court to see if I had done anything in particular that could have upset him. Vida  stayed as long as courtesy dictated and then made her excuses and left. Foolishly, I wished I could go with them.

 

“So Shannon tells me that the pair of you are going to the country tomorrow, for your birthday.” I wasn’t sure whether it was question, accusation, warning or all three. I looked at Shannon, hoping he would be able to clarify for me.

 

“It was a surprise, Stephen. I’m sure I specifically told you as much when I informed you of my plans,” Shannon said. Stephen only grunted in reply. I waited until he had gone to speak to Robert of Hermione before I raised the subject with Shannon.

 

“The country, darling?” I knew Shannon hated the countryside even more than I did.

 

“I thought we could spend a week there. You seemed upset about you birthda; I thought being out of the city might help.” I almost laughed at my own folly. Of course, Shannon had seen my foolishness yesterday as sorrow for my lost Caloxan life and bucolic childhood. "Of course, we have to be back by your actual birthday. Even Stephen agreed there would have to be a soirée.”

 

I smiled outwardly, groaned inwardly, and found I was beginning to have an appreciation for country life after all.

 

***

 

Even I had to admit it was a pleasant day as I climbed into the coach. Vicky had come down to see us off, Stephen had stayed behind. Clearly the prospect of having to face Court, myself and the knowledge that his brother was going to be spending the week alone with his male lover within the space of a few hours was a prospect too dreadful to bear. Vicky kissed Shannon goodbye and passed me a hamper full of provisions, excessively full in my view, given that the usual rural retreats of the city were less than two hours ride away. Shannon smiled at me, briefly, as we set off and then looked out of the window, his face becoming more pinched as we travelled. I tried to engage him in conversation, to find a way to show that I was grateful for the sacrifice he was making to make me happy, even if in truth I would rather have been in the city. It wasn’t until we had been travelling for a while that I realised how great that sacrifice was. We were not heading for any of the resorts popular with city nobles but for Shannon’s own lands, deeper into the land surrounding Melusine. They had once belonged to the good and dutiful first wife of the former Lord Protector before becoming the holdings of his treacherous and cunning second wife. When Gloria had been executed the lands had passed to Shannon but the people did not want him anymore than he wanted them. After Gloria’s death Stephen had had to march down with soldiers at his back to defend his infant brother’s holdings.

 

“Shannon,” I reached out to clasp his hand. “You didn’t have to.” He smiled, a smile that almost reached his eyes, as our hands met, fingers interlaced.

 

“I wanted to. For you.” He turned back to the window and I tried to stop any guilt from showing on my face. In the years since Gloria’s death, Stephen had tried to ensure that Shannon did not suffer by association. The beauty they shared by both mother and child was a doubled edged sword, as was the political skill both possessed. In Melusine Shannon still had his detractors but his charm and generosity meant he could find supporters too, both among the Court and the tradespeople of the city. Outside the city though, all anyone saw was the Golden Bitch’s golden pup. 

 

The depth of the dislike that the denizens of this place had for anything that bore even the slightest trace of Gloria became apparent when we reached the lodge. It had was still boarded up, cold and in darkness. We managed to pry the boards loose and open up some of the windows in an attempt to air it out. I overcame my instinctive dislike of fire magic in order to make a reasonably smoke free blaze with the green wood that had been grudgingly left for us in one of the bedrooms. Shannon took one look at the mouldering bed frame and stained mattress and went through the house, dragging pillows, blankets and sheets into the room to make a nest on the floor. By the time he had finished there was at least a small part of the house that was habitable.

 

He sank into to blankets, pulling his boots off. “I’m going to have to go into the village tomorrow and sort this out.” He didn’t sound like he welcomed the prospect, and honestly I could not blame him. I traced the line of his spine with the fingers of one hand, passing him a glass of wine with the other. He took a sip of the wine before setting it down on the floor and pulling me towards him. I could feel the chill of his skin, of his nose as it brushed against my cheek, and then the warmth of his mouth. We had already divested ourselves of coats and waistcoats despite the lack of warmth in the house. Neither of us made any move to undress further at first; Shannon was as much as clothes horse as I was. As we lay, legs entwined I could feel his skin beneath the fine weave of his shirt. I explored the ripples of muscle along his arms, across his stomach, careful, as always, of the weight of my wizard's rings. He stroked along my sides, careful to avoid the scars on my back I had told him were the result of a rare Caloxan illness I had suffered as a child. He reached, up pulling me down for a kiss, and used to movement to roll us over. In our new position I could feel him, hard against me. I tried to rock up against him to increase that maddening pressure, to create some friction, but he used his weight to keep me still. He laughed against my mouth, “Patience, Felix,” then kissed me again. I nipped at his lower lip, gently, in retaliation. 

 

Undressing seemed to take an age. After each item of clothing there was a pause, time for more teasing touches and the bush of hands and hair and tongue across skin. By the time Shannon reached for the hamper and pulled out the oil we were both panting, slick with sweat. I just had time to hope that it was Shannon himself who had packed the oil and not Vicky or even worse Stephen, when his fingers began to wok me open, first one, then another, stroking and circling. I moaned as he slid the third finger in. I felt too open but I knew I could not have stopped myself from arching up, wanting more, using my body to ask for something I did not have the words for. He withdrew and there was a maddening pause before he thrust into me. He set a brutal rhythm and I matched it, my nails scoring his back, then my hands reaching further down to urge him on, harder, faster. I clenched around him as I came and he buried his face in my neck as he pushed into me for the final time. It was a while before either of us moved but I unlocked my legs from around Shannon, and he braved the cold to fetch a washcloth. I made sure the fire was out, with a wariness that Shannon, not from the lower city and without memories of the Great Fire, could not understand and he pulled the covers close around us.

 

 

***

 

By the final evening, I was almost fond of that lodge. I was somewhat less fond of the locals but they had, at least, started to bring us food and proper firewood. We had also managed to find a room with a usable bed. We were lying in it, drowsy and sated. Shannon was tracing the outline of my face.

 

“I wish it could be like this always,” he said, looking down at me.

 

“It could be,” I said, drunk on the local wine and the taste of Shannon’s skin and the feel of his hair. “Move in with me.” Even as I spoke I could not believe I could be so stupid. I should have learnt long ago to respect the difference between what I wished for and what could be. 

 

“Do you mean that?” he asked. It was my chance to withdraw, give a flippant answer that showed how little thought I had given to my comment. It was a suicidally stupid idea. Malkar had been brutally effective in his teachings, but they had never been intended to teach me to fool my intimates. Malkar would never have wished to deprive himself of the amusement I afforded when I erred in front of him alone. I’d already lost count of the number of times I had almost slipped in front of Shannon in the last week.

 

“Yes, of course I mean it.”

 

***

 

We spent the night before my birthday apart, on our return to court. Shannon had suggested, with a wry smile, that we should delay telling Stephen our plans until after my birthday celebrations. I was not sure it would make any difference to his reaction, but I supposed waiting would at least spare him the awkwardness of having to tell Shannon to cancel my party because he’d had me executed.

 

Shannon came to my rooms for a private breakfast.  He had a small box with him. No-one had given me a present since Joline and I could not remember how one was supposed to act. It was a reminder of all the reasons I should be keeping Shannon at arm’s length.  I opened it cautiously and Shannon laughed.

 

“It’s not going to explode, Felix.”

 

Oh, but it is, I thought and kept silent. I lifted out the gold chain cautiously, scared that I would damage it. I realised to me horror my eyes were beginning to fill. 

 

“Shannon, it’s too much.” I looked up at him and the expression on his face made me feel like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed. I desperately wanted to really be the man who put that look on Shannon’s face, but, I reminded myself, all his love was for an imposter. “I don’t know if I can do this.” It was the most honest thing I’d ever said to him, and I hated that it would be the most painful. He just smiled.

 

“No one ever does, Felix, that’s the point. We just have to try.”

 

I smiled and nodded as fastened the chain around my neck. I stood in the Hall of Chimeras, looking at Shannon, thinking about my lies, thinking about how Stephen was going to react when Shannon told him we were going to live together in my apartments. It was madness and it couldn’t possibly end in anything but disaster.

 

I felt the cool weight of the metal against my skin. I felt it heat, slightly, next to my body. And I thought that maybe it was warming me too, just a little. 

 


End file.
